10 Reasons why England Sucks.


February 29, 2008



I've done many tours in England over the past 4 or 5 years and feel I've seen and experienced more places and people there than most of it's inhabitants (due to their innate fear of anything new or sitting in a car for longer than 15 minutes). I feel this allows me some room to speak my mind about this particular country that seemingly did what America is doing right now. Completely wasting away something that so many had worked so hard to create a long time ago.

Before I go into my short (tried to make it tolerably short, though it pales in comparison to the epic saga of grievances I count over an over again in my head while there) but arguably accurate portrayal of a country that epitomizes little guy syndrome against the world and looks at America the same way a fat pimply goth girl looks at the hot cheerleader with blonde hair and white perfect teeth, I want to say that some of the best people I've met in the world are English. Some of my dearest friends are from the UK and I have a very special place in my heart for their unbelievable warmth and openness. However, these people are virtually outcasts of the majority of that swamplike stinkhole of a society.

So without further adieu,

10 Reasons Why England sucks:

1. If it's always wet, gloomy and raining then why don't you have clothes dryers? And NO your washing machines don't work. Not at all. 3 hours later, 2 shirts are dirty and soaking wet and only halfway through its down syndrome "speed" cycle.

2. Is there ANYTHING else in the universe that you can think of that you soap up and DON'T rinse? Clothes, cars, food, ...YOURSELF? Yet in the UK, your not supposed to rinse off your dishes or "washing up liquid"? YOU EAT OFF THAT! IT'S SOAP "Mate"!

3. After over half a century of indoor plumbing, you still haven't figured out that bathrooms and kitchens shouldn't be carpeted. That's just fucking gross.

4. Every home should have a shower. Bathtubs are unacceptable, archaic, and...ew. It's like people stew.

5. Your television is crap. Yes it is. No one but you watches it. This is why American television shows are ALL OVER your tv schedule, yet no one in America really could give a shit about your "subtle" humor. Your soap operas are like bad home videos and no matter how popular it may be; cooking shows don't belong on prime time at 8:00 at night (the only exception here is for Little Britain, Father Ted, Faulty Towers and anything with Ricky Gervais).

6. Growing your hair out, dressing the part, bleaching and coloring your hair, buying the equipment, jumping around on stage, practicing once a week/month, writing and moaning droaning songs about how pathetic your life is, and drinking till you puke DOES NOT make you a good or even legitimate rock band. It takes much more work and talent than you could possibly imagine or ever achieve. Go back to the pub and do what you do best. Sitting around talking about how things should be done, yet not lifting a finger unless it is wrapped around a pint.

7. Your sound men really haven't a clue what they are doing. For some reason British people seem to favor treble over bass? Who does that? The English that's who.

8. You can't sing. Hardly any of you can. Real singing takes soul, something England is just starting to experiment with. Good luck on that one.

9. Just because something is new doesn't make it "superb!" and "spot on!" Nothing in your tiny world (about the size of Illinois) is spot on. 

10. To quote my friend Derek, "...even the Chinese drive on the right side of the road". It's called the right side of the road for a reason.


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